Failure theories

Thinking about the end of Oprah’s show, a quote Marilyn M. posted earlier, and where I am at the moment. First, the quote. "Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving." - Dennis Waitley. I definitely spend most of my time tension relieving, and not always in the healthiest ways. I nap. I drink. I surf the net. I actually fail before this quote ever starts because I don’t have a goal. I always think I could be an Oprah. Well, I could do the interviewing/idea part. In my head, of course. What I lack that Oprah has in abundance is drive. She has goals. She attacks them and makes her goals reality. I would bet that the word “driven” would describe her well. She will tell you she is guided by a higher purpose. I am here to tell you that she probably works her ass off too. I bet she gets up at the ass crack of dawn and works well into the night. I want achievement, but I don’t have that kind of energy. Nothing, not even writing, can change my generally lazy nature. I want the dancer’s body, but I can’t imagine dancing for more than a few minutes at a time. Practicing for hours? Not on my life! I am two people. I am the Saint Mary’s valedictorian. I am also the woman who has been underemployed for years. I have no career goals. I don’t want to make the tough choices and put in the time to succeed. For example, my current job is pretty easy. Any time, like today, when the job hints at being more difficult, I balk internally. I don’t want to “up my game.” I don’t want to be playing the game! I don’t even know what I would want to succeed at other than writing. And in my heart, I don’t believe I will ever succeed at writing no matter how many times I’ve pretended to be brave and confident about a writing career. I prove my failure mentality every day that I don’t show up to the blank page or screen. My mind is a jumble. I can’t even make sense of all this right now. I just know that I don’t have what it takes to succeed in a way like Oprah. I also know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others. I’m supposed to find the thing that I was put here for. I’m just feeling so much pressure! We don’t have enough money. James isn’t following a dream either. I’m almost 41. Oprah has worked 25 years for what she has. She has followed a dream for decades. I’m losing myself against the passage of time and my own inertia.