I wish I could learn to learn to live in the moment. Every self-help, seemingly joyous author purports that this is the answer to pessimism and depression. Here are the facts as I know them. All the good moments come to an end. Most moments are average at best. For some people, it is nearly impossible not to think forward, back, and sometimes both at the same time. For us, trying to live in the moment is stressful because it is so difficult and we are so unsuccessful.

Pet Peeves

We all have them, but I tend to think that those of us on the dark side see them as larger issues. Most of the things that annoy me also tell me that something is intrinsically wrong with human beings, or at least Americans specifically. If the whole world participates in the activities that follow then, as I suspected, there is no hope for humanity.

• Littering--I live in one of the most beautiful regions in the U.S. Are the people who throw their fast food bags along the side of the road blind or just stupid? We have these amazing things in our city called trash cans. Maybe you've heard of them. Why, I even have a private trash can in my home! I think it cost less than $20 with the bags. I can fill it with garbage, place it in the FREE receptacle on loan to me from the city, put it by the road and voila, it is taken to the landfill. Amazing.
  
• Drivers on cell phones--Yesterday I merged into the passing lane and suddenly had to do something counter intuitive--hit my brakes! All because the idiot in front of me was talking on his cell phone and had no idea he had dropped to about 20 mph under the speed limit. I could see him yapping away in his side mirror but apparently he couldn't see me. Again I wondered if we have a higher than average number of blind people driving cars in my area. Alas, no. He was just too engrossed in his conversation to safely operate a thousand-pound moving vehicle.
• People on cell phones--Drivers on cells are dangerous. These people are just annoying. There was a lady in the grocery store last week who talked on the phone the entire time she was shopping. I bet she identifies herself as "stressed out." I'd be stressed out too if I never had a moment's peace. Then over the weekend, I saw a young girl starting up a trail-head with her cell out and ready to go. Getting a signal in that area would be impossible (duh!) but it was more telling that she even felt the need to bring the phone along on a nature hike.
• The "joy" of summer--Why does every current issue of a magazine tout the blissfulness of summer? When I was a student, yes, summer was awesome. Then again, I didn't have to work and there was a pool available at all times. As an adult, I see summer very differently. Get up, sweat, shower, sweat, work, sweat, sit inside, sweat, sleep, sweat, repeat for three endless months. I can't leave the house without sunscreen. Bread molds within three days of purchase. Bugs that should live outside come in because it is so f***ing hot! If I do get a chance to go swimming, it involves the humiliation of wearing a swimsuit and showing off my paper white legs. In the winter that skin gets a million compliments from leathered friends. In summer, I'm a joke. Where is the joy in that I ask?
  

Okay. That's enough ranting for today. Make your own list of pet peeves and see if it doesn't afford you a little sense of smug satisfaction.

No God, God No!

I know there is no god. How? Because if there was, no one would have to mow the yard in 80+ degree weather.

Conspiracy Theory

I believe appliances can conspire against you. I know logic indicates that answering machines, blenders, refrigerators and dishwashers are not sentient beings. And yet I get the feeling they send messages to each other--maybe through the electrical system, or all that humming they do--discussing how best to thwart pesky humans like me.

Take for example my friend Steve and his family. They had just done their "big shop" for the week and packed everything away into their fairly new, totally reliable refrigerator. With no warning, on one of the hottest days of the year so far, he comes home to a rotting, fetid mess of a kitchen. Sure, sure, appliances die. But the timing is suspicious. And what of the manufacturer's promise that if the doors are kept closed, a hazmat team will not be needed for at least 24 hours????

Isolated incident I hear some of you say. I thought so too until today. Suddenly my answering machine stops answering, my water filter stops filtering, and my blender stops blending. Power surge perhaps? They all quit at DIFFERENT times. Well, I trot right out to my nearest Target to see which of these items I can replace for under $50. Lo, and behold, there's a sale on blenders and water filters. I get a faucet-mounted filter for $20 and a blender for $30. I still can't screen calls, so I just won't answer the phone.

I take the new water filter out of its box and proceed to install it with a surprisingly minimal amount of frustration. I turn on the water and it does not spew out the sides of the faucet. Beautifully pure water flows through the filter and into my waiting glass. But now I need to wash my hands. Simple. Just turn the gagdet that lets you go from filtered water to unfiltered. Nothing. This tiny little part on this brand new, on sale filter won't budge. I remove the whole contraption, try the piece again, re-install and....nothing. The joy of a great buy marred by an apparently defective or--and this is what I suspect--obstinate product. Looks like I'm making a return trip to Target. With gas at $2.50, I'll be lucky to break even. Foiled again!

As for the blender, it has shown no signs of rebellion. Check back with me after it has spent a couple nights in the kitchen with its friends.