I feel a Google coming on....

When you are high and/or drunk and you have a question pop into your head. It slowly dawns on you that you have the answer at your fingertips. Thus, I feel a Google coming on. I saw a Juice Newton video and now I need to know if she is alive or dead. I think I may be getting her confused with the woman who sang "Gloria." So now I must leave you so that I may go Google the answer to my query.

What can I say? Life is assaulting me at the moment. We put our 14-year-old dog to sleep earlier tonight. A year of loss weighs on me. Every day is a struggle. We need a break. This has all been too much. How do people survive?

A man sells LSD and gets 14 years. a man shoots at another man's head and gets 120 days in jail because he is a veteran of the fire department and presumably an upstanding citizen ( despite the fact he fired a gun at an unarmed man because he thought the man was endangering a child. )so what? he didn't have a right to pull a gun. if he had been a young thug, he would have received a much harsher sentence. we are faced with our own injustices. our own lack of understanding of the nature of things. we get along as best we can and hope we can avoid the scrutiny of the current climate.

I'm not just mad, I'm fucking angry. I'm angry that a nice guy like my brother had to die. I'm angry that Sarah Palin has a following. I'm angry that Hayden is withering away and yet we still don't know what to do...

I'm pissed and there are no two ways around it. At least it is fuel for my writing ambitions.

Well, the Apocalypse is upon us. Oprah has announced the end of her talk show in 2011. I think I heard the collective gasp of millions of desperate, Eckhart Tolle -loving upper middle class women who actually believe they can be whatever they want just with the mere power of their positive thoughts. Let's face it people, without Oprah, how will these people learn how to be happy? Whose Things will they love, covet, and acquire? I suspect Glade candles will see an uptick in retail sales while Manolo Blahnik credit card charges will plummet. Cashmere pajamas made by oppressed women in a third world country will return to being the province of in-the-know uber-wealthy socialites, not soccer moms. No one will know how to look sad and touched when faced with the gruesomeness of reality. I fear for the self-esteem of millions. The Mayans got nothing on Oprah fucking Winfrey.

I have been a pathetic blogger. This was supposed to be my writing exercise and I have let it go for over a month. Some would argue that I have a good excuse. My brother was very ill and hospitalized. One week ago he was taken of life support. Our brother and I stayed with Allan until he died. It was my first face-to-face experience with death. I found it to be a transition more than an ending. I just don't know a transition to what.

I can't get anything to work. Will try again. Too much red wine.

My Philosophy

For a very short time, I was the voice of positivity at my new part-time job. I was the one wondering why everyone else focused on the negative. Every day I fought against the "it's going to be a shitty day" mentality. After three weeks, they have worn me down. [Cue Rachel Yamagata song of the same name.] Now I dread each day just like everybody else. And I only work three days a week! I really thought I was on to something. I tried to see each challenge as a learning experience. I tried to face each day with a positive attitude, even if I had to manufacture it. Now, the old demons have crept back in. The end of the weekend is the ringing of the death knell. I could, to quote PJ's latest song 'The Fixer', "fight to get it back again," but what's the point? It is such a struggle to stay positive. Perhaps, as I conjectured at the outset, it just isn't my natural state. Then again, I honestly believe that joy SHOULD BE our natural emotion. Why can't I find it??? The frustration alone is enough to bring me down. It reminds me of a song I used to sing when I attended Christian elementary school, "Show me the way, the way to go home." Show me the way to be content, please!

After weeks of unemployment, I have a new job. No one is more surprised than me that I am not the most negative person in the office. In fact, my co-workers bring ME down on a daily basis. Thank god it's only part time.

How does a black cloud turn into a tiny ray of sunshine? It happened like this. I knew that this job would be stressful, so I consulted those dreaded self-help books to get me in the right frame of mind. I generally detest shiny-happy-feel good shit, but Richard Carlson's (R.I.P) "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" tomes have always seemed practical and straight forward to me. He doesn't bullshit and try to convince you that everything will be hunky dory always. He does offer tangible ways of retraining your thought patterns to cope with life's stress.

I am fully aware that my negative thoughts intensify my negative feelings/depressions/melancholy. So from day one at my new job I have attempted, with some success, to focus on the moment and try to tune out the negative chatter that infests my brain. Unfortunately, I am bombarded with stress-inducing comments from co-workers at every turn. Not a day has gone by that I haven't heard "Today is going to be a nightmare" or "Tomorrow looks like a rough day." Why think ahead? It probably will be a busy, stressful day. I KNOW this. Thinking about it ahead of time does nothing but paralyze me with fear and anxiety.

I can't believe that I am the one wishing these people would get a clue and chill the fuck out. Stop anticipating the worst! At the very least, please stop sharing your negativity with me. I have enough of my own, thank you. It's like trying to get sober only to find that everyone suddenly wants to buy you a drink. The irony is killing me.

It seems wrong to write about nothing, but in my experience nothing almost always becomes something.

If you do the right thing, but resent it in your heart, are you still doing the right thing? More to the point, does only the action itself count or the feeling behind it? Old debate, I know. Just the kind of shit I think about when I'm alone.

So there. I didn't prove my point. Nothing simply became more nothing. Is there really anything else?

I wish I could learn to learn to live in the moment. Every self-help, seemingly joyous author purports that this is the answer to pessimism and depression. Here are the facts as I know them. All the good moments come to an end. Most moments are average at best. For some people, it is nearly impossible not to think forward, back, and sometimes both at the same time. For us, trying to live in the moment is stressful because it is so difficult and we are so unsuccessful.

Pet Peeves

We all have them, but I tend to think that those of us on the dark side see them as larger issues. Most of the things that annoy me also tell me that something is intrinsically wrong with human beings, or at least Americans specifically. If the whole world participates in the activities that follow then, as I suspected, there is no hope for humanity.

• Littering--I live in one of the most beautiful regions in the U.S. Are the people who throw their fast food bags along the side of the road blind or just stupid? We have these amazing things in our city called trash cans. Maybe you've heard of them. Why, I even have a private trash can in my home! I think it cost less than $20 with the bags. I can fill it with garbage, place it in the FREE receptacle on loan to me from the city, put it by the road and voila, it is taken to the landfill. Amazing.
  
• Drivers on cell phones--Yesterday I merged into the passing lane and suddenly had to do something counter intuitive--hit my brakes! All because the idiot in front of me was talking on his cell phone and had no idea he had dropped to about 20 mph under the speed limit. I could see him yapping away in his side mirror but apparently he couldn't see me. Again I wondered if we have a higher than average number of blind people driving cars in my area. Alas, no. He was just too engrossed in his conversation to safely operate a thousand-pound moving vehicle.
• People on cell phones--Drivers on cells are dangerous. These people are just annoying. There was a lady in the grocery store last week who talked on the phone the entire time she was shopping. I bet she identifies herself as "stressed out." I'd be stressed out too if I never had a moment's peace. Then over the weekend, I saw a young girl starting up a trail-head with her cell out and ready to go. Getting a signal in that area would be impossible (duh!) but it was more telling that she even felt the need to bring the phone along on a nature hike.
• The "joy" of summer--Why does every current issue of a magazine tout the blissfulness of summer? When I was a student, yes, summer was awesome. Then again, I didn't have to work and there was a pool available at all times. As an adult, I see summer very differently. Get up, sweat, shower, sweat, work, sweat, sit inside, sweat, sleep, sweat, repeat for three endless months. I can't leave the house without sunscreen. Bread molds within three days of purchase. Bugs that should live outside come in because it is so f***ing hot! If I do get a chance to go swimming, it involves the humiliation of wearing a swimsuit and showing off my paper white legs. In the winter that skin gets a million compliments from leathered friends. In summer, I'm a joke. Where is the joy in that I ask?
  

Okay. That's enough ranting for today. Make your own list of pet peeves and see if it doesn't afford you a little sense of smug satisfaction.

No God, God No!

I know there is no god. How? Because if there was, no one would have to mow the yard in 80+ degree weather.

Conspiracy Theory

I believe appliances can conspire against you. I know logic indicates that answering machines, blenders, refrigerators and dishwashers are not sentient beings. And yet I get the feeling they send messages to each other--maybe through the electrical system, or all that humming they do--discussing how best to thwart pesky humans like me.

Take for example my friend Steve and his family. They had just done their "big shop" for the week and packed everything away into their fairly new, totally reliable refrigerator. With no warning, on one of the hottest days of the year so far, he comes home to a rotting, fetid mess of a kitchen. Sure, sure, appliances die. But the timing is suspicious. And what of the manufacturer's promise that if the doors are kept closed, a hazmat team will not be needed for at least 24 hours????

Isolated incident I hear some of you say. I thought so too until today. Suddenly my answering machine stops answering, my water filter stops filtering, and my blender stops blending. Power surge perhaps? They all quit at DIFFERENT times. Well, I trot right out to my nearest Target to see which of these items I can replace for under $50. Lo, and behold, there's a sale on blenders and water filters. I get a faucet-mounted filter for $20 and a blender for $30. I still can't screen calls, so I just won't answer the phone.

I take the new water filter out of its box and proceed to install it with a surprisingly minimal amount of frustration. I turn on the water and it does not spew out the sides of the faucet. Beautifully pure water flows through the filter and into my waiting glass. But now I need to wash my hands. Simple. Just turn the gagdet that lets you go from filtered water to unfiltered. Nothing. This tiny little part on this brand new, on sale filter won't budge. I remove the whole contraption, try the piece again, re-install and....nothing. The joy of a great buy marred by an apparently defective or--and this is what I suspect--obstinate product. Looks like I'm making a return trip to Target. With gas at $2.50, I'll be lucky to break even. Foiled again!

As for the blender, it has shown no signs of rebellion. Check back with me after it has spent a couple nights in the kitchen with its friends.

I happen to live in a bumper sticker happy town. I myself have fallen victim to the trend. Although most of mine are political or Pearl Jam-related, I recently purchased a sticker from a local eatery. It reads "Don't Postpone Joy," the establishment's motto of sorts. It is not with a little irony that I placed it prominently on my rear bumper. I would NEVER postpone joy, if only I could find it! If you are having trouble finding your happy place, sometimes it's just best to go with the flow for a little while. Here are some suggestions for your soundtrack while you muck around on a not-so-joyous day.

• Just about anything from Pearl Jam's debut album "Ten," although I defy you to find a better written song than "Black." Don't limit yourself there, check out "Garden" and "Why Go" for more angst-driven musical anti-bliss.
• "A Change Is Gonna Come" originally recorded by Sam Cooke in 1964 then covered by the Gits in the 90's. The lyrics are especially poignant if you know the history of the Gits and the tragic, era-ending murder of incredibly gifted lead singer Mia Zapata.
• The Smiths, especially Morrissey, cornered the market on sadness and pessimism back in the 80's. "Unloveable" says it all. My fave Morrissey lyric is from "How Soon Is Now?" It goes a little something like this: There's a club if you'd like to go/You could meet somebody/Who really loves you/So you go and you stand on your own/And you leave on your own/And you go home, and you cry/And you want to die. Classic.
• Another cover, but for my money an improvement on the original--Johnny Cash's version of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt." Certainly the video helped to hammer home the themes of isolation and loss. Coming from the Man In Black, the lyrics are heavy with the weight of a long, soon-to-be-over life.

That's a short list. Listen, cry, repeat. Then brush yourself off and go find some joy.

Welcome Black Clouds!

On a whim, I decided to begin blogging like thousands of other people. I didn't want to start until I had some idea for a theme. Inspiration struck, as it often does, at the height of drunkenness. In the light of day, the idea still seemed pretty sound, so here I go!

The purpose of my blog is to create a refuge for those who need shelter from the "Positivity Storm" that rages on the Internet, on bookshelves, and in the studios of a hundred TV talk shows. I'm a fan of positive thinking, I just don't believe happiness is every one's natural state. Some of us simply see the glass as half-empty. There are people out there telling us otherwise, selling their recipes for success and making millions doing it. They would have us believe we can think ourselves happy, wealthy, and prosperous. I believe accepting our natural penchant for pessimism is healthier than constantly comparing ourselves to our joyous counterparts.

That's it. The premise of this blog is to be okay with not being happy all the time. It's counter culture, baby.