For a very short time, I was the voice of positivity at my new part-time job. I was the one wondering why everyone else focused on the negative. Every day I fought against the "it's going to be a shitty day" mentality. After three weeks, they have worn me down. [Cue Rachel Yamagata song of the same name.] Now I dread each day just like everybody else. And I only work three days a week! I really thought I was on to something. I tried to see each challenge as a learning experience. I tried to face each day with a positive attitude, even if I had to manufacture it. Now, the old demons have crept back in. The end of the weekend is the ringing of the death knell. I could, to quote PJ's latest song 'The Fixer', "fight to get it back again," but what's the point? It is such a struggle to stay positive. Perhaps, as I conjectured at the outset, it just isn't my natural state. Then again, I honestly believe that joy SHOULD BE our natural emotion. Why can't I find it??? The frustration alone is enough to bring me down. It reminds me of a song I used to sing when I attended Christian elementary school, "Show me the way, the way to go home." Show me the way to be content, please!

After weeks of unemployment, I have a new job. No one is more surprised than me that I am not the most negative person in the office. In fact, my co-workers bring ME down on a daily basis. Thank god it's only part time.

How does a black cloud turn into a tiny ray of sunshine? It happened like this. I knew that this job would be stressful, so I consulted those dreaded self-help books to get me in the right frame of mind. I generally detest shiny-happy-feel good shit, but Richard Carlson's (R.I.P) "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" tomes have always seemed practical and straight forward to me. He doesn't bullshit and try to convince you that everything will be hunky dory always. He does offer tangible ways of retraining your thought patterns to cope with life's stress.

I am fully aware that my negative thoughts intensify my negative feelings/depressions/melancholy. So from day one at my new job I have attempted, with some success, to focus on the moment and try to tune out the negative chatter that infests my brain. Unfortunately, I am bombarded with stress-inducing comments from co-workers at every turn. Not a day has gone by that I haven't heard "Today is going to be a nightmare" or "Tomorrow looks like a rough day." Why think ahead? It probably will be a busy, stressful day. I KNOW this. Thinking about it ahead of time does nothing but paralyze me with fear and anxiety.

I can't believe that I am the one wishing these people would get a clue and chill the fuck out. Stop anticipating the worst! At the very least, please stop sharing your negativity with me. I have enough of my own, thank you. It's like trying to get sober only to find that everyone suddenly wants to buy you a drink. The irony is killing me.

It seems wrong to write about nothing, but in my experience nothing almost always becomes something.

If you do the right thing, but resent it in your heart, are you still doing the right thing? More to the point, does only the action itself count or the feeling behind it? Old debate, I know. Just the kind of shit I think about when I'm alone.

So there. I didn't prove my point. Nothing simply became more nothing. Is there really anything else?