Imprisoned by Free Time

I would guess that most busy people, especially those who work, spend some of the day contemplating what they would do with more free time. Volunteering, catching up on housecleaning, traveling, reading, hanging out with friends are just a few of the activities working people imagine themselves doing if only they had more time. I've had that time since being fired back in October of 2010. And I have done exactly none of those things. In fact, my days have become endless stretches of time primarily spent hating myself. My activities have included looking for work, Facebook, journaling, watching TV, and minimal housecleaning and laundry. Volunteering sounds good, until I factor in the cost of gas. Same for travel. In fact, any activity that even hints at the expenditure of money is off my possible "to-do" list. I can't really hang out with friends because they are at work. I was never much of an organizer or housewife to begin with, and having more time to do it does not make it easier. To be fair to myself, I had significant outpatient surgery mid-December. Add to that some winter weather and you have the formula for a stay-at-home depressive.

On January 3rd, I resolved to eat less and exercise more. I'm proud to say I have stuck to that promise. There are 23 other hours in the day, though, and at this point, I'm spending about 12 of those asleep. My only conclusion is that work, though often distasteful, gives some structure to our days. My biggest regret, the elephant in the room so to speak, is that I have not used this time to explore freelance writing. I do not sit down every day and work at being a writer. I was more productive when I had a job. Why? I think because the job offered contrast. It offered a day-to-day reminder of what I did NOT want. That dissatisfaction was a seed of motivation. When I worked, I wished for more time to write. Now that I have it, I don't have anything to say. I'm a fan of irony, but not when it leaves me feeling like a failure. Having something that everyone seems to want, i.e. free time, and not being able to enjoy it, has left me sad and guilt-ridden. If there is a lesson to be learned here, I am still struggling to find it. Wish me luck.